That’s the way you want the girl to be. Right?

But your acting like one of the girls won’t get it. Though girls *say* they like “good guys,” what happens if you generate the “good guy” image is that you become a girlfriend of hers. Next thing you know she’ll be telling you about her romantic adventures, and expecting you to comment and commiserate!

That’s not what you want!

You’ve got to be a man, a guy with a life of his own, not too caught up with her too fast (or you’ll scare her away, because it’s happened to her before). Only then is she intrigued. But along the way, how can you build rapport, so she’s feeling close to you and feeling comfortable to get closer.

Here’s how …

First, let’s look at the definition. Some of the main clues are right there:

Main Entry: rap·port
Pronunciation: ra-'po(&)r
Function: noun
1 : relation characterized by harmony, conformity, accord, or affinity
2 : a relationship of mutual understanding or trust and agreement between people
3 : confidence of a subject in the operator (as in hypnotism or psychotherapy) with willingness to cooperate

Definition #3 really sounds promising, right?

Definition #2 is what you’re trying to accomplish.

Definition #1 gives the clues on how to do it.

CREATING RAPPORT OUT OF THIN AIR

Definition #1 is saying that “harmony (occurs with) conformity, accord, and affinity.”

Conformity: You cannot be “one of the girls,” but if your views *conform* to her own, she will find you to be a kindred spirit. And she will like that.

A caution: If she says nothing unique, do *not* jump in there saying how swell she is for that. Because it’s nothing personal to her. For example, if she says she was “driving around,” you don’t say how groovy that is, because she won’t feel specially connected to you about something that everyone does. That’s not “special.”

But if she says that she went to the bead store because she’s making a beaded bracelet, this is something unique. Most people don’t go to the bead store, but she (uniquely) does. So here’s where you jump in with a compatible view. You could, if it’s anywhere true, say that you’re crazy about making beaded bracelets.

However, if that’s a stretch, then you could try:

1. “I remember making beaded things at summer camp. Frankly, I liked it. Is it still fun? What do you find most satisfying about it?” … OR …
2. “I had a friend who ran a bead store. He was just crazy about all the subtle colors, but I liked the bright-colored ones the best. And there’s thousands of them! How in the world do you go about choosing?” … OR …
3. “There’s something satisfying about (working with your hands / making jewelry / working on small objects). That’s one of the things I liked in the crafts classes I took. How did you go about learning to do it?”

Each of these focuses in something unique (that the two of you share), and reveals to her that you (or your views) *conform* to her and her views. Your ideas are similar. The two of you are different from all the others, but the two of you are alike to each other. You have things in common.

So the formula is: (a) watch for her to reveal something unique. If you’re asking open ended questions, her answers will uncover some unique things pretty quickly. And then, you (b) reveal your view (or your past or your interest) that *conforms* to her uniqueness.

The result: She will feel more affinity for you. It will increase, a little, immediately.

You will usually see this by her having increased animation, becoming more lively, paying more attention to you, a change in her body position, looking more directly at, or turning her body more toward you, and perhaps an increase in her speech rate or an increase in the pitch of her voice.

Accord: This is simple. You agree with things.

You don’t agree with all of them, especially not with things that control the two of you. If you’ve made reservations at Fancy Armando’s Italian Restaurant, and she expresses a yen for Japanese food tonight, generally you don’t switch. You go to Fancy Armando’s tonight, and then (kind of as a surprise) you take her to Samurai Saki-House next week.

But if she hates the President … surprise! So do you!

If you cannot hate the President, then find *something* about him. For example, you could say, “Well, I’ve got to say … Have you ever seen a more phony haircut? I mean, really! Is it a wig? Do you know? Who does his damn makeup?”

And then steer the subject toward something about which you can more easily agree with her. And that becomes another general rule. Steer the conversation *toward* things (especially unique things) where you can agree, and steer the conversation *away* from things likely to raise discordant views.

Affinity: This word originally meant “related by marriage,” meaning that two people were in the same family, and thus the two of them are similar. However, it has come to mean attracted to each other.

And these two qualities are intimately related.

If you are *like* somebody else, then you will tend to *like* them.

That’s the rule, and the biggest clue of all right there. It’s worth repeating.

If you are *like* somebody else, then you will tend to *like* them.

And let’s turn it around so it applies to her and you.

If she and you are *alike*, then she will tend to *like* you.

HOW TO INDUCE SOMEBODY TO *LIKE YOU*

Like a good hypnotist, you can “induce” an alikeness between the two of you, and the result is that your subject will tend to trust you, to feel comfortable with you, and to like you.

The easy and powerful way to induce an alikeness between yourself and someone else is by using the technique called “Mirroring.”

PHYSICAL MIRRORING

Physical mirroring is where you make your body like the mirror-image of their body. For example, you will stand like they stand, and you’ll use gestures like the gestures they use, and you’ll walk at the same speed that they walk, and so on. If they sit back in the chair and slump, then you sit back in the chair and slump. If they sit on the edge of the chair and learn forward, so do you. If they shake their hands in the air while talking, so do you.

Now your first reaction to my suggestion might be to think it absurd, or that she will notice and think you are making fun of her.

Well, of course if you overdo it, I suppose that’s possible, but if you’re just echoing what she does, within the boundaries of who you are, I promise you she will never, ever notice it at all. But she will discover that, unaccountably, she likes you.

I’m reminded of John Wayne in his role of a tough old cowboy named Rooster Cogburn in the movie True Grit, which is really about a young girl who had a lot of what they called “grit,” meaning spunk, stick-to-it spirit, and willingness to make the attempt. And in this particular scene, Rooster Cogburn is watching something brave that the young girl has done, and he says, “By golly, I like that girl! She reminds me of me!”

And that’s true.

SPEECH MIRRORING

Everybody has certain patterns in their speech. These patterns are remarkably consistent, and they are blindingly obvious, when you’re listening for them.

For example, some people speak with a lot of emphasis, and others in a monotone.

Some speak loudly and others speak softly.

Some speak rapidly and others speak slowly.

Some speak in bursts with pauses in between, and others speak more smoothly.

For starters, consider “speech rate.” The obvious example is that Northerners, like from New York City, talk fast. And Southerners, like from Atlanta Georgia, speak slowly.

Now if I’m talking to a Southern Peach, and I talk real fast as if I were from New York City, then the Southerner will feel “out of sync” with me, and she will not trust me much. She’ll describe me as “one of those fast-talking slick guys,” and she’ll think my fast talking is an attempt to trick her.

But if I talk real slow, she will better understand what I say, and she will tend to trust me. I sound like what she knows and understands.

On the other hand, perhaps I’ve met an Italian Gypsy woman from Greenwich Village, and she’s talking at a hundred miles an hour and she hardly takes time to breath. Then if I talk real slow she’ll be annoyed with me, she’ll think I’m a hick, a hayseed, a dummy, a country bumpkin, and she’ll be impatient with everything about me.

So with her, I’ll talk as fast as I can, and I’ll flail my arms around just like she does. What will she see? What will she hear? She’ll see a kindred spirit, someone with energy like her own; she’ll hear someone she understands, someone she feels connected to.

She’ll feel affinity.

And like two molecules with a chemical affinity, she’ll want us to join up.

Oxidation! Reduction! Yow!

MAKING IT YOUR STANDARD PRACTICE

Make it your standard practice to mirror speech rate with anybody from whom you wish agreement. Women, college professors, the boss.

After you’ve made it an automatic practice to adjust your speech rate to theirs, then also take a look at the other patterns in speech: emphasis vs monotone, louder versus softer, bursts with pauses versus smoothly. They’ll work the same way.

And you can build more rapport with anyone you meet.

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“Don’t take your love, Away from me
Don’t leave my heart, In misery
If you go, Then I’ll be blue
Cause breakin’ up is hard to do.”

Have you ever had the experience of breaking up with someone? For this discussion, let’s assume that it was *you* who broke off with her. (Getting dumped is another whole can of worms.)

For example, for some time you were kind of nattering inside your head. She did this, and she did that, and you didn’t like it. And she won’t do this other, and that’s just stupid. And, frankly, you’ve just had it up to here. And some other girl or girls are looking pretty good. And you need your freedom. And you need to move on.

::: SOUND FAMILIAR?

And so then you said, “We’ve got to talk,” and you did talk and most likely that wasn’t much fun (though sometimes you feel a little power, you evil creature). And then she said something and you said something, and then later she wasn’t there with you and the two of you had broken up.

And then what happened?

Maybe the next day, or maybe that same night, in between the feeling of glee and excitement, you feel a tinge of … something. Something not quite right.

And then, before long, you start thinking back …

“Remember when, You held me tight
And you kissed me, All through the night
Think of all, That we been through
Breakin’ up is hard to do!”

And the first thing you know, you’re wallowing in uncertainty and anguish. You *think* you did the right thing, but where is your feeling of certainty? You wonder if just *maybe* you were too hasty. You wish that you’d spent another night (or two) in the sack with her before breaking up. Damn!

And … you miss her.

Her “impossible and ridiculous” behavior seems to mutate like mist, becoming merely annoying foibles. And before long, in your rose-colored remembrance, these irritations become endearing quirks, even as you think about them.

::: WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?

And now … should you call her?

Back and forth you go. Back and forth you go.

And for most people, at least half the time you *do* call her back. And half the time, you *do* get back together, though usually there’s a spike between you that will never dissolve. And most of the time, the whole scene will repeat, some time a little later.

If you’re stubborn, given to drama, or too clumsy to get another girlfriend, god forbid, but the scene may play out over and over, until maybe *she* gets fed up, and then one time when you call her to make up … she isn’t interested.

Now all this is very human, and very common. It’s not a good thing, but you’re hardly a hardened criminal for the committing of this particular crime.

::: WHY DOES THIS HAPPEN?

To answer this interesting question, we’ll find it handy to examine the subject of “inertia.”

Oh, no- Wait a minute. We’ve already talked about inertia. You may want to review the subject. I’ll bet it will seem most useful, in a brand new way. [See Inertia -- How to Approach a Woman.]

So let’s not discuss inertia. Instead let’s talk about the neurons in your brain. That’s always fun.

::: THE MYSTERIOUS ‘SUBCONSCIOUS MIND’

People think that the ’subconscious mind’ or the ‘unconscious mind’ is something big and mysterious. It’s dark, and lurky, and who knows what the hell it’s doing in there. It’s supposed to be with us all the time. And it can cause us to do things ‘unconsciously,’ like pick your nose in front of the bishop if you ’subconsciously’ don’t like him.

Jeez! That mysterious ’subconscious mind’ could get a guy in a lot of trouble!

Well, of course sometimes it can. But most of the time we get ourselves in trouble without much help from dark and lurky things deepy hidden away inside us.

But doesn’t the ’subconscious mind’ start to sound like a stalker in a horror movie?

And it’s not that big a deal. And it’s not that mysterious.

::: HERE’S HOW IT WORKS

You’re a kid and you learn to tie your shoe. And you have to really, really concentrate to do it. And the next day, still, it’s difficult. But a few days later, you’ve really got it. And maybe you feel real proud for a little while.

But a week or two later, it’s just a task. You have to pay attention, but it’s not a big deal. And if you fast-forward a few years to your new career as a corporate executive, or on your first day as the janitor at The Bigge Building downtown, when you’re putting on your shoes on that day, you’re thinking about the new job and you don’t want to be late, and now your shoes are tied, so you stand up.

What just happened?

Where did tying your shoes go?

It went into a different part of your brain, where (like any habit) you’ve built (by repetition) a set of automatic behaviors. All you have to do (in the conscious part of your mind) is think: Shoes; tie shoes. And an automatic set of reflexes happened, as automatic as righting yourself when your bicycle tilts to the left. And that automatic reflex operated your body and tied your shoes.

My friend, that is the unconscious mind.

That, and nothing else, is the subconscious mind.

I will personally beat the crap out of Sigmund Freud, if he wishes to push it.

We could, in a similar fashion, say that your “personality” is the net sum total of all your learned behaviors, social habits, preferences and avoidances, opinions, chronic emotions, usual ways of approaching problems, and who you automatically like and dislike.

And notice something. The way you are … is the way you usually (and automatically) are.

::: MAINTAINING AND RETURNING TO A ‘STABLE STATE’

One powerful principle used by this automatic-mind, in helping you to operate your body and your thought-processes, is this:

The mind and body attempt to return to the ‘Stable State.’

In fact, we could call this “Body and Mind Operating Principle #1.”

In textbooks, they call this ‘homeostasis’. This does not mean a railroad station for homosexuals. It means ’same state.’ (homeo = ’same’, and stasis = unmoving state)

For example, your body regulates your blood pressure. By built-in feedback mechanisms, when pressure is high, some chemicals are released and pressure drops. When pressure is too low, some chemicals are released and pressure goes up. It’s all very clever.

Likewise a given mental state can operate your whole life long. For example, a baby learns early on that crying will bring help and attention. In normal cases, perhaps most of us learn additional ways to get help and attention, but imagine a business meeting, and one fellow isn’t getting his way. Suddenly, he’s red in the face, he’s making a lot of noise, and he’s pounding on the table. He learned that particular behavior when he was an infant, but he doesn’t realize now that the same automatic behavior is no longer working in his favor.

The key is in whether a behavior is “automatic.”

::: RUNNING ON AUTOMATIC vs BREAKING A HABIT

When you run on automatic, you tend to automatically re-engage the automatic behaviors that you long ago built into your ’subconscious mind.’ If you remain unconscious of this activity, and don’t question it, it will persist. Only if you notice that your behavior is unworking, or kind of odd, or automatic, and you say, “Hmmm. That’s interesting,” will it suddenly stop running on automatic. Inspected, it vanishes. Uninspected, it runs unconsciously.

That’s how you tie a shoe. And that’s how you operate large parts of your life.

To break a habit, here’s the rule:

Your body and your mind will succumb to your will, if you are consistent.

But when you’re breaking up with somebody, you can’t really practice being consistent as you could if it was a case of doing your exercise each day until it becomes a habit.

When you break up, you’re engaging in a behavior that is a radical departure from your habitual behavior over the last few weeks or months or even years. So it’s new. And that’s why sometimes it can kind of wake you up and make you feel alive, just as a funeral or danger sometimes does.

But as soon as she’s gone, what does the ’subconscious’ (automatic) mind try to do?

::: BODY AND MIND OPERATING PRINCIPLE #1

When she’s gone, your body automatically tries to follow Body and Mind Operating Principle Number One.

Your body and your ‘unconscious’ (automatic) mind tries to re-establish the previous stable state. Its tendencies to homeostasis will (automatically) lead your thoughts and behaviors back along the lines that would re-establish that particular girlfriend back in your life.

And so back and forth you go.

Unless, of course, you notice that something’s peculiar, and you look at your behavior and suddenly you say, “Hmmm. That’s interesting!”

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